A Visit From The Holy Spirit


So I was talking to my friend, Jessica (not her real name - her real name is Stella Foreman and she lives at 2436 Oak Street, across from the gas station), and she said "I want to tell you about a miracle that happened to my friend, Kathy (not her real name - HER real name is Monica Walters and her phone number is 604 735 3424 and her favourite colour is green).  

"A miracle?", I asked, "like a religious experience?".   "Yes", she said, gravely, and added "and you have to swear not to tell anyone".  "Of course", I said, crossing my fingers behind my back because I wasn't going to let something as trivial as the truth get in the way of a good story. 

This is what she told me.  Her friend Kathy and three other women were praying in church when, suddenly, Kathy was lifted up in the air and moved several feet back behind the others and deposited there.  We looked at each other in silence.  You could have heard a pin drop.  (In fact, I DID hear a pin drop but it wasn't mine so I left it where it was.)  

"Then what happened?", I ventured.  She looked at me like I had just told her that I ate small children for breakfast.  "That's it", she said.  "That's IT?", I asked, confused.  I was waiting for the bit where a host of Heavenly beings appeared and told everyone the winning bingo numbers for Saturday night.  "Well, what did she do?", I asked, because I figured saying "You know you're a complete lunatic" was a bit harsh.   

And she said "Well, the others went back to Kathy to make sure she was ok and they all agreed it was the work of the Holy Spirit and took a vow of silence".  At this point I'm thinking if they all took a vow of silence, how come you're telling me and you weren't even there?  Some vow of silence that was.  I wouldn't want any of those guys working for the CIA. 

So then I said "How did they know it was the Holy Spirit?".  And my friend said "What other explanation is there?".  I channeled  my inner Sherlock Holmes and said "Well, let's look at the situation.  We have four people in a kneeling position and all facing the same way.  Suddenly one of them is picked up and deposited several feet behind everyone else.  Hmmm....several scenarios come to mind: 

1.  Kathy knew she was going to fart and everyone would know it was her and she felt the ensuing embarrassment would be too much to bear, so she jumped up and ran back a bit and then knelt down again really quickly hoping no-one would notice 

2.  Her three friends decided it would be funny if, right in the middle of praying when Kathy would least expect it, they all scooched forward a few feet leaving poor Kathy behind and then pretended that SHE was the one who moved  

3.  It was, indeed, the Holy Spirit who, obviously, is a bit of a dick and has bugger all to do all day and moves people around when they're trying to pray just to mess with their heads


4.  The Holy Spirit doesn't like Kathy and shoved her away so he wouldn't have to listen to her.  (I've met Kathy and I have to admit the thought has crossed MY mind.  He probably wanted to pick her up and throw her out the window but figured that might be a bit extreme.) 


5.  The Holy Spirit knew Kathy was going to fart and moved her away because who wants to smell someone else's fart?"

When I was done my friend gave me an icy stare.  "You're going to roast in Hell", she said.  I smiled and said "Well, hopefully the Holy Spirit will move me a bit away from the flames".  


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