It was a dark, gloomy night. A thick, heavy fog descended over the city making it impossible to see your hand in front of your face. Fortunately, my hand was at the end of my arm so I wasn't concerned.
I was in a bit of a panic, though, because I had accidentally run over my neighbour's cat with the lawnmower earlier that day. In desperation I had run to the nearest toy store to get a stuffed cat, figuring that my neighbour, an elderly lady whose eyesight was so bad she once mistook me for the Dalai Lama (I blessed her and went on my way), would think that her cat was just having an especially long nap. But they only had stuffed tigers and I didn't want to scare the bejesus out of her.
Noticing that the pet store next door was still open, I ran in and asked if they had any cats. They didn't. Besides a three-legged dog, the nearest thing they had to a cat was a hamster. I had no choice. I bought the little fella and took him home with me. That night I slept like a baby - I wet the bed.
The next morning I noticed that my parents had disappeared and the hamster seemed a lot bigger. Not only that, he was wearing my father's glasses and sweater. Terrified, I called the police and they gave me a number for the Missing Parents Help Line. When I noticed that the number was 123 4567, I realized that they were not taking my concerns seriously and I would have to deal with the situation myself.
Thinking that a direct confrontation was best, I mustered a hot dog. No, wait. I mustered my courage and approached him. "What have you done, you cute, furry little devil?" I asked. He gave me a long, beady stare, and then he lunged at me, squeaking madly. He grabbed me and we struggled, knocking over furniture and making a huge mess. At one point I had him pinned to the floor but he rolled out from under me and held me in a half nelson. Cursing the day that I had decided to take up crochet instead of wrestling, I tried to fight back but it was no use. He had the strength of ten hamsters! I was outnumbered ten to one! (Insert dramatic chord here.) He picked me up by my legs and threw me against the wall. "Had enough yet?" I asked, spitting out the last of my teeth.
Suddenly the door burst open and a firefighter ran in. "Quick!" he said, "grab the end of my hose!"
"I certainly will NOT, you pervert!" I said. "No, no!" he said, "we can tie him up with my fire hose!"
I grabbed the end of the hose and between us we managed to tie the hamster securely, finishing him off with a nice bow. And as quickly as he had appeared, the fireman left, dragging the bound up monster behind him. "Wait!" I called after him. "I don't even know who you are!" "I'm the Dalai Lama," he said. "Sometimes I just need to work off a little frustration!" And with that he disappeared into the fog.
I went to bed that night alone. An orphan. A deserted child. Abandoned. Deserted. Forsaken. You get the picture. The next day I gave my neighbour the three-legged dog. She never noticed the difference.
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