THE URBAN BIBLE - ANOTHER STORY...

GENESIS 22

In which God tells Abraham to sacrifice his son, Isaac.

ABRAHAM'S HOUSE.  4 AM.  TUESDAY.





Abraham       Zzzzzzzzz...

God                Abraham!  Pssssttt...

Abraham        Zzzzzzzzzzzzzz...

God                Abraham!  ABRAHAM!!!

(sound of pebble bouncing off Abraham's head)

Abraham        (waking up)  Huh?

God                Wake up!  I want to ask you something

Abraham        Who IS this?

God                It's me, God

Abraham        Yeah, right

God                No, seriously.  It's me

Abraham        Oh yeah?  If you're God then tell me how many fingers I'm holding up behind my back

God                The middle one and that's not funny

Abraham        Sorry.  What's up?

God                I want you to do me a favour

Abraham        It's 4 in the morning!

God                Hey, I'm a supreme being who is omnipresent.  Time doesn't mean anything to me


Abraham        Well, it means something to ME!  I have to get up in a few hours and make
                        a mess of pottage

God                Well, try not to make a mess of the pottage

Abraham        No, a mess of pottage is....oh, never mind.  What's the favour?

God                I want you to smite your first born Isaac

Abraham        My first born Isaac?  How many Isaacs do you think I have?

God                There should have been a comma there.  It should read "I want you to
                        smite your first born, comma, Isaac"

Abraham        What do you mean 'smite'.  Like give him a smack upside the head?



God                No.  I mean smite.  You know - do him in...knock him off...put him
                        six feet under...have him pushing up daisies...have him shuffle off his
                        mortal coil...

Abraham        You mean kill him?

God                Well, yeah, you could put it like that...

Abraham        You want me to KILL Isaac???


God                Shhhh!  Keep your voice down!  You don't want to wake your wife!
                        Come out into the hall

(sound of shuffling)

Abraham        Oh, shit

God                You don't have to get mad

Abraham        No, the cat pooped in my slippers


(sound of Abraham shuffling into the hall)

Abraham        Now, what were you saying again?

God                I want you to smite Isaac

Abraham        Why?

God                To prove that you love me

Abraham        Jesus, don't you think that's a bit extreme?  Couldn't I, I don't know, give
                        you a card and some flowers?

God                I AM THE LORD YOUR GOD AND I COMMAND YOU TO SMITE ISAAC!



Abraham        Ok!  Ok!  Keep your shirt on!

God                I don't wear a shirt

Abraham        How about underwear?  Do you wear underwear?  

God                Look, I don't wear a shirt and I don't wear underwear, ok?

Abraham        What, you mean you're NAKED?  Doesn't your willy get cold?

God                Hey, I'm not sitting here discussing my willy with you.  Are you going to 
                       smite Isaac or not?

Abraham        All right!  I'll do it!  But his mother isn't going to be happy

(Abraham knocks on Isaac's bedroom door)

Abraham        Hey, Isaac, wake up.  I have to talk to you

Isaac                (sleepily)  Dad?  It's 4 in the morning


Abraham        Yeah, I know

Isaac                Don't you have to be up in a few hours to make a mess of the pottage?

Abraham          That's not what it means and I'm not going to make a mess

Isaac                Right.  So, what's up?

Abraham         I have to smite you

Isaac               What, you mean give me a smack upside the head?

Abraham        No.  I mean bump you off...have you bite the dust...give you a one-way
                       ticket to the great unknown...have you kick the bucket...smoke you...

Isaac               You mean kill me?

Abraham         Well, yeah, you could put it like that...

Isaac                You want to KILL me???

Abraham          Shhhh....keep your voice down!

Isaac                 What did I do?

Abraham           Look, it's not you.  God told me to do it

Isaac                 Why?

Abraham           To prove that I love him

Isaac                  Jesus, Dad, isn't that a bit extreme?  Couldn't you, I don't know, 
                           give him a card and some flowers?



Abraham            That's what I said

Isaac                    And?

Abraham              He seems pretty sold on the smiting option

Isaac                     Does mom know about this?

Abraham              Now, there's no need to get your mother involved 

Isaac                     MOM!

Abraham               Oh don't do that

Isaac                      MOOOOOOOOOM!

(sound of shuffling)

Sarah                    (who for some reason sounds Irish)  What the hell is going on?
                              It's 4 o'clock in the bloody morning! 



Isaac                      Dad wants to smite me

Sarah                     What, you mean give you a smack upside the head?

Isaac                       No.  He wants to snuff me...have me meet my maker...have me
                               cash in my chips...make me flatline...bust a cap in my ass...

Sarah                      You mean kill you?

Isaac                       Well, yeah, you could put it like that

Sarah                      You want to KILL him?

Abraham                 It sounds so final when you say it that way

Sarah                       Have you lost your bloody MIND?

Abraham                  It wasn't MY idea!  God told me to do it!

Sarah                       Oh, and I suppose if God told you to jump off a cliff you'd do that

Abraham                  Well, he IS God

Sarah                       I don't care if he's the feckin' Queen of Sheba, he needs to feck off
                                and stop telling people to skite each other



Abraham/Isaac        Smite

Sarah                      Whatever.  And what does he have against Isaac, anyway?  Sure
                                he's a lovely young lad

Isaac                        Thanks, Mom

Abraham                  He wants me to prove that I love him

Sarah                        Jesus, isn't that a bit extreme?  Couldn't you give him a card and some flowers?

Abraham/Isaac        That's what I said

Sarah                        I'll straighten this out once and for all.  Where is he?

Abraham                  (pointing up)  Up there

Sarah                       What's he doing on the roof?

Abraham                  No.  Up in Heaven

Sarah                       God?  GOD!  You better answer me if you know what's good for you

God                         (sheepishly) Oh, hi, Sarah.  How's it going?  You look lovely.  
                                Is that a new hairstyle?

Sarah                       Don't try that on me, ya bugger.  Now listen, there will be no 
                                smiting going on around here as long as I'm in this house.  And if you
                                try any of that shit again I'll come up there and kick the arse off ya 



God                        No, wait!  I can explain!  It was a test!  I wasn't going to let him actually do it!

Sarah                      What kind of sick, demented LUNATIC comes up with a test like that?

Abraham                Sarah!  Remember who you're talking to!

Sarah                     You shut up!

Isaac                       Go Mom!

God                        It was just an idea...

Sarah                     Well here's an idea -  feck off and do something useful and leave decent people
                               alone

(silence)

Sarah                    Did you hear what I said, ya  bugger?

God                       Yes

Sarah                    Yes WHAT?

God                       Yes...sir?

Sarah                    I'm goin' to bed.  Goodnight, Isaac

Isaac                     Goodnight, mom.  You totally rock

Sarah                    Where the hell do you think YOU'RE going?

Abraham               To bed...

Sarah                    You're not sleeping in MY bed, ya thick eejit 

Abraham               Well where am I supposed to sleep?

Sarah                    In the stable...with the camel



Abraham               Aw, come ON!

Sarah                    And don't forget you have to be up in a couple of hours to make a
                            mess of the pottage

Abraham             That's not what it means.  AND I'M NOT GOING TO MAKE A FUCKING MESS!

(in the stable)

Abraham             Shove over, Betty, I'm sleeping in here tonight

God                     Hey Abraham...pssst!

Abraham             Go away, God.  You got me in enough trouble 

God                    But I just got this GREAT idea!

Abraham            I don't care

God                    What do you think of a plague of locusts?



Abraham            (putting his fingers in his ears)  I'm not listening!  La, la, la, la, la...

God                    Fine.  Be like that.  By the way, I just filled the camel up with beans

Abraham            (sniffing) NOOOOOOOOOOOO!



God                    Ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha...



       









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