Your Summer Horoscope

Well kids, Summer's here and the time is right for dancing in the street.  And who in their right minds would venture outside to trip the light fantastic without first consulting the stars to make sure they weren't going to be run over by a truck.  So, without further ado - or adon't - here is what the stars have in store for you in the coming weeks.

Your circle of friends will expand if you change your underwear more often.  Or, better still, don't wear any at all. You'll have more friends than you can shake a stick at - although I wouldn't do that if I were you because you might make them mad

For Pete's sake, watch your money and try saving for a rainy day.  Umbrellas are expensive.  Remember the old saying "The rain in Spain falls mainly on the Spaniards".  So, if you can't afford an umbrella, move to Spain - then if it rains it won't fall on you because you're not Spanish

Go ahead with your plans and don't be discouraged by people who call you a maroon.  Unless, of course, your plans include tap dancing naked at the bus stop with an otter on your head and a Swiss army knife sticking in your ear singing "You'll Never Miss Your Mother-In-Law If The Sights On Your Rifle Are Wide Enough"

Just when you thought you were an old bag and no-one in their right mind would have anything to do with you,  your love life is about to change for the better.  You will have an affair with either a mailman or a moron - I can't tell which because the cat piddled on my chart

You are a dirty, perverted, pornographic, corrupt sex maniac and you should be handcuffed and tied to your bed with masking tape, except you'd probably like it.  Do you want to come over to my place later?

People look up to you for guidance.  They think you're sweet, innocent, reliable, honest and trustworthy and that you love children and small animals.  What they don't know is that behind that friendly exterior is a seething, pulsating mass waiting to leap on some poor, innocent person and sniff their shoes

The moon is on the cusp of Jupiter and the constellation Orion is wedged between the butt cheeks of Pluto.  I have no idea what this means but it sounds interesting, doesn't it?  Mind you, if you have a dog called Pluto, it might be a good idea to check out his rear end because if the constellation Orion is in there, you may want to give him more fiber in his diet

Romance is in the air.  You have a secret admirer who wants to remain secret until he comes to his senses.  (If you're a guy, he definitely wants to keep it a secret.)  You feel light, dizzy, gay (see what I mean?), bubbly and tingly all over.  Maybe you should lay off the sauce until you can handle it a bit better

It's time to turn over a new leaf in your life.  Toss aside the red tape and replace it with a nice blue one.  Do something you've never done before.  There's an old Russian proverb which goes "Vlamoshky yallodov insky pinsky voshdoshk shlamonski" which, roughly translated, means "The grass is always greener before you smoke it"

Every once in a while a dynamic person comes along who's so incredible that they change the lives of everyone they come in contact with.  Unfortunately, you're not one of these people, so go back to bed.  On the plus side, your goldfish has a crush on you

Your love relationship is about to become hot and heavy.  You will start dating a fireman who's a sumo wrestler in his spare time.  Unfortunately, he will be obsessed with his hose and will insist on showing it to you all the time.  Don't be confused by the fact that his nozzle is missing - he's Jewish

You will be walking down the street, minding your own business, when suddenly you will be whacked on the head by a brick with a note attached to it which reads "Watch out for flying bricks"