A Tale of the Wild Wild West

               

Once upon a time, a long, long time ago, a young boy named Davy lived in the old west.  Davy was a pleasant young lad who was liked wherever he went.  The only problem was he never went anywhere.  Well, one day when he was about sixteen, he noticed a small zit on the middle of his forehead.  He dabbed it with a little antiseptic and, forgetting all about it, went off to enjoy life, happy as a clam.

(I should mention here that I have been contacted by the International Clam Council, or I.C.C., who inform me that clams are not, in fact, happy at all.  Clem Clam, their President and Spokesclam, points out that clams are "bivalve mollusks who live in sand or mud and never see the light of day until some busybody digs them up and proceeds to EAT them as a snack."  In the circumstances, I apologize to all clams and assure them that from now on I will clam up on the subject.)  

And now back to our story.  Davy went about his business for several days happy as a ...em, ah, ...trout, until one night, while he was sleeping peacefully in his bed, strange things began happening on his forehead.  There in the darkness of his room, his zit began growing and moving and shifting and pulsating.  And the next morning when Davy woke up and looked in the mirror what do you think he saw?  A tree?  The Mona Lisa?  Captain James T. Kirk?  NO!  He saw an ear.  Yes, you heard me, an EAR!  A great big ear growing right in the middle of his forehead!  

He couldn't believe his eyes!  He also couldn't believe his ears.  He reeled backwards.  Then he reeled forwards.  Then he decided to stop dancing and do something about his third ear.  He went to the doctor and, as soon as he walked in the door, the doctor said "Good Lord!  What happened to YOU?!".  And the ear said "Well, Doc, it all started with a zit on my bum."  The doctor examined Davy and told him that the ear was in perfect health and, in the circumstances, he couldn't do anything except admire Davy's excellent hearing.  

Davy was devastated!  He went home and cried himself to sleep.  But little did he know that his troubles were just beginning!  Around midnight the ear stirred, sat up, looked around and said "Come on, sucker, we're gonna PARTY!"  And, as Davy watched completely helpless, the ear put on a leather jacket and an earring and headed off to the nearest bar.  Of course, because it was attached to his head, Davy was forced to go along too and he was simply horrified by what happened.

The ear went crazy!  It went to about ten bars and got completely hammered.  And it ran up a huge tab that Davy had to pay for.  Then the ear decided it wanted to go to a night club and dragged poor Davy off to a really loud disco where it made a complete ass of itself (not easy for an ear), drinking from Davy's shoe and break-dancing in the middle of the floor.  The ear finally called it quits at 7 am and poor Davy fell into bed, completely exhausted.  He woke up a few hours later to discover that the ear had thrown up in the bathroom and was complaining of a massive hangover.

Well, this ridiculous carry-on continued for several weeks until, finally, Davy snapped.  He grabbed the ear and tried to strangle it.  They struggled around the room, knocking furniture around and breaking things.  Davy tried to overcome the ear but it was no good.  It had the strength of ten ears!  It went wild!  It picked Davy up, spun him around in the air and threw him against the wall.  "Had enough yet?", Davy asked, spitting out the last of his teeth.  Just then the police broke in and hauled Davy and the ear away.

Next morning Davy was brought before a judge.  "Have you ever been up before me?", asked the judge.  "I don't know", laughed the ear, "what time do you get up?."  Well, the judge was furious.  "Throw him in jail!", he said.  In desperation, Davy threw himself on the floor, begging for mercy and kissing the judge's feet, which gave him athlete's tongue. He tried to explain that it wasn't him but the ear that caused all the trouble and the ear blamed Davy and another big fight was about to start when the judge yelled "Order!" and the ear said "I'll have two beers and a bag of pretzels."

Well, the judge gave the ear a long, hard look and then said he thought the problem was that the ear was looking for attention and that, if Davy would just accept it and love it like his other two ears, it would probably settle down and be happy.  Davy said he'd give it a try.  The ear apologized for its wild behaviour.  The judge cried.  The jury cheered and handed out cotton buds.

And it worked!  The ear settled down to a quiet life and Davy was so happy that he bought it a wig - the world's first earwig.  That was many years ago but Davy became very famous and went down in American history.  You may have heard of him - Davy Crockett, King of the Wild Front Ear.