How to handle a bully

 
 
Alison Barry was the neighbourhood bully.  Everyone was terrified of her.  Small children would burst into tears if their stroller was wheeled past her.  Kids would stop playing and hurry inside if they saw her coming.  Grown men would cross the street to avoid passing her.


At school she reigned supreme.  Kids parted like the Red Sea before her on the playground and handed over their lunch and any money they had without being asked.  It was easier that way.  Even teachers stayed out of her way.  She did whatever she wanted.  If a teacher said "the earth is round," and Alison said "No it isn't, it's flat," the teacher would immediately agree for fear that she'd be flattened if she didn't, which made learning geography very confusing.  

Occasionally a new teacher who wasn't familiar with the routine would attempt to actually teach Alison, with predictably disastrous results.  A conversation along these lines would be had:

Teacher    Alison, if I had three apples and you gave me two apples, how many
                 apples would I have?

Alison        None

Teacher    None?  What makes you think that?

Alison        Because I wouldn't give you my apples and I'd take yours

Teacher    Maybe I'm not explaining this very well.  Let's see...ok...I have THREE
                 apples, and you give me TWO apples.  Three apples plus two apples
                 is how many apples?

Alison        I'm not giving you any apples.  Get your own apples

Teacher     No.  No.  There are no apples

Alison        Who took the apples?  Whoever took them better give them back now
                  or I'll beat the snot out of them

Teacher     No.  Wait.  Let's try something else.  How about this.  If I hold
                  up three fingers, and then hold up another two fingers, how many
                  fingers am I holding up?

Alison         Five

Teacher     Well done!

Alison         Five broken fingers

Teacher     What?

Alison        If you don't stop asking me stupid questions, I'm going to break your
                  fingers

Teacher      Well now that is extremely rude!  

Alison         Aw, shut up!

Teacher     That's it!  Go to the principal's office!  Why are you coming up here?
                  Ow!  You just hit me!  Let go of my neck!  I can't breathe!  Help!
                  Someone get help!  Wait!  Where's everyone going?  Help!  HELP!

Now, from the tender age of seven I had seen myself as a social justice warrior.  I imagined that one day I would be an advocate for human rights the world over.  I could see myself accepting the Nobel Peace Prize for bringing two warring nations together.  Hadn't I been told many times by adults that bullies are just misunderstood and that reasoning with them in a calm manner was how they should be treated.  Violence was never the answer.  


One day as I was walking home, I met Alison Barry.  I had been out playing and found a large tree branch which I was dragging along behind me.  I have no idea what I was planning to do with a tree branch but having one seemed like a really good idea at the time.

So there I was hauling this branch up the street and leaving a trail of leaves behind me, when I turned around and saw Alison Barry walking towards me.  Was I afraid?  Of course not!  Didn't I know exactly how to treat a bully!  And anyway, maybe she was coming over to congratulate me on having such a cool branch.  She wasn't.  Here's what happened:

Alison        Gimme that branch

Me            No.  That's my branch

Alison       Gimme that branch or I'll beat the crap out of you

Me            Alison, this is MY branch.  Let me just get it home and I'll come with
                 you and show you where I got it and we can get one for you

Alison        Are you deaf?  Gimme the branch or you're going to be sorry

Me             I understand that you want my branch, but violence is not the answer

Alison        For the last time, GIMME THE BRANCH!

Me             I understand how you're feeling but please let go of my branch

And you know what?  She let go and apologized and helped me get the branch home and we played together for the rest of the day and became best friends.

Of course we didn't.  She beat the shit out of me.  Right in front of my own house.  
I could see my mother, who had told me to stand up to bullies, hiding behind the curtains.  At one point she appeared to be waving at me but I realized, as I was being kicked in the leg for the fourth time and sat on, that she was actually blessing herself and praying.  




Alison Barry took my branch and walked off with it.  I limped down my path and fell in the front door.  Before I passed out, I looked up at my mother with the eye that wasn't shut and asked "Why didn't you do something?"  And her answer has stayed with me all these years through adulthood because of its simple logic.  Because of its clarity.  Because of its insight and pure wisdom.  Because of its profound understanding of the human condition.  She said "Because it was ALISON BARRY!" 

Over the years I have thought about Alison Barry and the whole issue with bullies.  I have read studies and watched documentaries.  I even briefly joined Alcoholics
Anonymous until I realized I was in the wrong place. The message was always the same.  Bullying is a cry for help.  Inside every bully is a wounded child.  They need our understanding and compassion.  Violence is not the answer!

I disagree.  I have encountered many bullies in my life and, having attempted compassion only to have them rearrange my face, I have concluded that violence is very much the answer.  So the next time I meet a bully I'm going to point off in the distance and say "Oh my god!  Look at that!"  Then, when they look, I'll kick them in the leg and run away. 


I'm still working on what to do when I meet the same bully again, but I'm looking into airfare to Buenos Aires.

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