A Tale Of Three Goats


 I recently discovered that male goats urinate on their beards to make themselves more attractive to females.  Now, while it's possible these guys think that piddling on themselves is similar to spritzing themselves with a Calvin Klein body spray, it's also possible that they're known collectively to the females as "those pissy-smelling goats over there".  (I once went to a dance wearing a tight corset and I thought I must have looked fabulous because I turned heads everywhere I walked.  It turned out that everyone was staring at me because I had put the corset on backwards and it was cutting off the circulation in my legs, making me walk like I'd just been kicked in the arse.)  

This made me wonder if goats actually believe this or, as I will demonstrate, it's actually a trick they play on young goats who don't know any better.  Picture, if you will, a group of male goats standing around in the corner of a field, eyeing up the females who are eating grass over by the fence.

Goat 1    Hey guys!  Don't look now but those girls over there are giving us the eye

Goat 2    Which ones?  Those ones over there?

Goat 3    He just said don't look, you idiot!

Goat 2    Oh, yeah.  Sorry

Goat 1    You should go over there and talk to them

Goat 2    But what would I say?

Goat 3    Say anything.  Like "Isn't it a nice day?"  or "The grass is especially crisp this morning."

Goat 2    I'm too shy.  I'll go if you guys come with me

Goat 1    No, you should go by yourself.  Girls love it when a goat has the confidence to walk across a field by himself

Goat 3    Plus, you can practice what you're going to say while you're walking

Goat 1    Yeah.  And you can do that John Wayne walk that we showed you.  Girls LOVE that

Goat 2    Really?  Because I think it makes me look like I'm holding in a fart

Goat 3    Listen, Billy.  All you have to do is walk up to them and say hello.  The rest will just happen naturally

Goat 1    Look!  Yer wan in the middle is smiling at you!  What are you waiting for?

Goat 2    I don't know...

Goat 1    OK, listen.  I wasn't going to tell anyone this because I wanted to keep it for myself.  Scientists have just discovered the one thing that drives female goats CRAZY

Goat 2    What?

Goat 1    Well...I don't know if I should tell you

Goat 2    No, tell me!  TELL ME!

Goat 1    Well, apparently, female goats love a male that smells like piddle

Goat 2    Ah, stop.  You're making that up

Goat 3    I read that, too!  It was on the cover of Goats Weekly!

Goat 2    Ah, guys, that's disgusting.  I wouldn't want to go near a girl that smelled like pee

Goat 1    Yeah, that's because you're a GUY!

Goat 3    Exactly.  You have no idea what girl goats  are like.  They're weird

Goat 2    I know.  But seriously, guys, we're talking about piddle here.  PIDDLE!

Goat 1    Well, of course if you don't want to use the most recent scientific methods...

Goat 3    Yeah.  Maybe you should just forget the whole thing

Goat 1    Yeah, let's just forget it.  It's too bad, though, because she keeps looking at you and smiling

Goat 2    She IS really cute, isn't she? 

Goat 1    Are you going to eat that thistle?

Goat 3    No, help yourself

Goat 2    Guys, what should I do?

Goat 1    This thistle is delicious

Goat 3    I bet you couldn't say that if you were drunk

Goat 1    Say it three times really fast

Goat 3    This thistle is delicious.  This distle is thelitious.  Dis thitious....

Goat 2    GUYS!

Goat 1 & 2  What?

Goat 2    What should I DO?

Goat 1    I already told you but you won't listen

Goat 3    Thit sistle is letitious

Goat 1    That's not funny any more, Ger

Goat 2    What will I do?

Goat 1    Well, if you want her to notice you, I would say piddle on your beard and go over there.  You have nothing to lose

Goat 3    Bring her a thistle

Goat 2    OK.  I'm going to do it

Goat 1    Go on, then

Goat 2    Gimme a minute!  I've never piddled on myself before!

Goat 1    It's easy.  Just start piddling and aim it at your beard

Goat 2    OK, here goes

Goat 3    Hey!  You piddled on my thistle!

Goat 2    Sorry

Goat 3    Now my thistle is covered in piddle!

Goat 1    Go on, Billy, keep going

Goat 3    That was a tasty fucking thistle and now it smells like pee!

Goat 1    Ger, will you shut the fuck up and get out of the way.  There's plenty of thistles over there

Goat 3    But THESE thistles are delicious!

Goat 2    There!  My beard is soaking wet.  How do I look?

Goat 1    You look great.  And you smell...interesting

Goat 3    Those thistles don't taste as good as these ones!  Why did you have to piddle on the nicest, most delicious thistles in the field?

Goat 1    Ger, if you don't shut the fuck up, I'll piddle on YOU!

Goat 2    I said I was sorry!

Goat 1    Look, just shake the piddle off and eat it!  We're conducting a scientific experiment here!

Goat 3    This thistle still tastes funny

Goat 2    OK,  I'm ready

Goat 1    Good man!  Now just walk over there and say hi

Goat 2    All right.  Wish me luck

Goat 1    Good luck

Goat 3    Do you want to bring her this thistle?

Goat 2    Fuck off!  It's half chewed and covered with piddle!  She'll think I'm weird

Goat 3    But your beard is covered with piddle!  Ow! You just kicked me!

Goat 1    No I didn't!

Goat 3    You did!  I just pointed out that his beard is covered in piddle and so is this thistle!  Ow! You kicked me again!

Goat 1    I did NOT!  Go on, Billy.  Quick before they move away

Goat 3    Why do you keep kicking me?

Goat 1    I didn't kick you!  My leg slipped!

Goat 3    What do you mean your leg slipped?  How could your leg slip?

Goat 1    Can you just pay attention for a minute while Billy goes over there and chats up yer wan?  REMEMBER WHAT WE READ ABOUT A PIDDLY BEARD BEING IRRESISTIBLE TO FEMALES?

Goat 3    Oh yeah.  Right.  Go on, Billy.  We'll wait here for you

Goat 1    Go on, Bill.  Good man

Goat 2    Well here goes.  I'm off

Goat 1    This should be fun

Goat 3    I can't believe he's going to do it!

Goat 1    Yeah, and you and your big mouth almost ruined it!

Goat 3    Sorry

Goat 2    (approaching the cute girl goat)  Hi there!  I'm Billy.  Do you graze over here often?

Girl Goat    No, I'm new here.  (Sniff...sniff....) What's that smell?

Goat 2    It's a new eau de goat.  Do you like it?

Girl Goat    It smells like piddle!

Goat 2       It IS piddle!  And it's fresh!  I just did it!

Girl Goat    Oh, Jesus!  Get away from me, you weirdo!

Goat 2       What?

Girl Goat    Girls!  Stay away from this goat!  He peed on himself!

Goat 2    But it's the latest thing!  It's supposed to make me attractive to you!

Girl Goat    If you come any closer to me I'm calling my Nanny!

Goat 2    But it's been scientifically proven!

Girl Goat    NANNY!

Nanny    Get away from my granddaughter or I'll kick the arse off you!

Goat 2    But.....

Nanny    I'm warning you, you smelly bugger!  Back off or I'll kick you over the hedge!

Goat 2    Just let me explain...

Nanny    Right.  I warned you...

Goat 2    (flying through the air)  Heeeeeelllllllppppppppppp!


Goat 1    Oh my god, that was funny!

Goat 3    Ah, look at him.  He's in bits

Goat 1    Come on.  Let's go over there and help him up.  He's going to be walking with a limp for a week

Goat 3    I'll bring him a thistle.  That will cheer him up

Goat 1    Good idea

Goat 3    Which thistle should I bring?  This thistle or that thistle?

Goat 1    For fuck sake, Ger, will you just pick a thistle and come on

Goat 3    Which thistle do you think he'd prefer.  A thick  thistle or a tasty thistle?  Oh, fuck!  I think I have a lisp!







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