THE PARTING OF THE RED SEA

 

Moses sees the suffering of his people and appeals to God for deliverance.

Moses:    O Lord!  See how your people doth toil!  Deliver us from the cruel shackles of bondage!

God:        Say what?

Moses:    Your people suffer under the yoke of oppression!  Let us go forth from this place of misery into the land of our fathers and our fathers' fathers and our fathers' fathers' fathers.....


God:       Huh?

Moses:    Me and the guys want to go home

God:        Right.  Well, off you go then

Moses:    Alas!  The Pharaoh has hardened his heart against the children of Israel!

God:        For fuck sake, Moses, can you get to the point?

Moses:    The Pharaoh won't let us go

God:        Why not?

Moses:    Cuz he's a bit of a bollocks

God:        Oh, come on now.  He can't be that bad.  Have you tried asking him nicely?

Moses:    Well....no

God          Then how do you know he'll say no?  You're being a bit judgmental there, Mo.  I'm sure if you ask him in a calm, pleasant voice he'll accede to your request

Moses:    Huh?

God:        Ask him nicely and he'll say yeah

Moses:    (muttering to himself) That's easy for you to say when you have nothing better to do than sit around all day on a bloody cloud

God:        I heard that

The next day:

God:        So, did you ask him nicely?

Moses:    Yeah

God:       And what was his response?

Moses:    (turning around) You see the imprint of a size 12 boot on my arse?


God:        Whoa!  He IS a bit of a bollocks!

Moses:     Come on, God!  Can't you help us out here?

God:        Whaddya want ME to do?

Moses:    I dunno.  Send him a plague of locusts

God:        Nah, I've done that one already

Moses:    How about cover his body with boils?

God:        Ew!  Gross!

Moses:    But you're GOD!  You must be able to do SOMETHING!

God:        Wait!  I have an idea!  I was saving this for the Greeks, but you can have it

Moses:    OK

God:        First, you build a big wooden horse...

Moses:    Right

God:        Then everyone gets inside the horse

Moses:    Everyone?

God:        Yeah.  What's the problem?

Moses:    Em...there's an awful lot of us. 

God:        Well, I did say a BIG horse...

Moses:     All right.  But it's gonna get a bit crowded...  Then what?

God:        You wait until the Pharaoh wheels the horse inside the city walls.  Then you wait until night and then you all jump out and run around inside the city

Moses:    Em...I don't want to seem picky, but we're not trying to get IN...we're trying to get OUT

God:        Oh, right.  Hmmm....wait!  I have it!  Whoa boy, this one's a doozie!

Moses:    Ok

God:        Tomorrow night you get everyone together and you all run away

Moses:     To where?

God:        Down to the beach

Moses:    But what are we supposed to do when we get to the sea?  Oh, don't tell me.  We build a big boat...

God:        No.  I'm saving that one for Noah

Moses:    Well, what then?

God:        Then you take out your rod and wave it around

Moses:    Are you nuts?  The guys will think I'm a pervert!

God:        Not THAT rod!  Your staff...your...stick!

Moses:    Oh.  Ok.....And...?

God:        Here's the best bit!  I'll part the sea and make a path and you guys can all cross to the other side!  Pretty cool, huh?

Moses:    Hmmm...Not bad.  But wait...what are we going to do when the Pharaoh comes after us?

God:        Then you wave your ro....your stick around again and I'll make the water come crashing back and the bad guys won't be able to cross and they'll be all "Hey!  What just happened?  How did those guys get over there?"  And you'll be all "Eat my dust, suckers!"  And they'll be all "What did you say?"  And you'll be all "In your ass!"  And they'll be all.....

Moses:     I get it, thanks

God:        So, whaddya say?  Meet me back here tomorrow night at twenty-two hundred

Moses:    My watch only goes up to twelve

God:        That's ten o'clock

Moses:     Ok, then.  Wow!  This is awesome!  I can't wait to get back and tell the guys

The next night.  9:55 pm.  The beach:

Moses:       Ok, guys.  Here we are

Jedediah:    What are we supposed to do now?  We don't have a boat

Levi:            I TOLD you guys this was a stupid idea!  Let's go back now.  I've just invented a new fabric that's really hard-wearing.  I'm gonna make everyone a pair of pants.  I'm thinking of calling them 'beans'

Solomon:    'Beans'?  That's a stupid name for a pair of pants

Levi:            Oh, yeah?  Well, you know what else is stupid?  YOU.  Stupid!

Moses:        Guys....

Jedediah       We need to look around for a boat...

Solomon:      (sarcastically) I'm sure that idea will really take off.  "Hey, is that a new pair of beans?"  "Yeah, they're cut-offs."  Gimme a break

Moses:        Guys...

Levi:            Well, just for that YOU'RE not getting a pair

Solomon:      I don't WANT a pair!

Jedediah:        Maybe we could make a few rafts...

Moses:           Can you two shut up about the stupid jeans?

Levi:             Jeans!  That's a WAY better name for my pants!  Levi's jeans!  That's perfect!

Solomon:       I might wear a pair of those...

Jedediah:        We could try linking arms and making a human chain...

Moses:            Will you guys be quiet!  I've got this covered!  Watch what happens when I take out my rod and wave it around!

Levi:            Jesus Christ!  What are you, some kind of pervert?

Solomon:    I know what's gonna happen.  I'm gonna punch you in the nose!

Moses:        Not THAT rod!  My stick!  Watch this!

(Moses raises his staff and waves it around.  Nothing happens.)

Solomon:    Well, that was interesting...

Moses:        The sea is now going to part!

(Silence)

Levi:        I think Moses might be having an "episode"

Moses:    (loudly)  I SAID THE SEA IS NOW GOING TO PART!


(Silence)

Jedediah:    This is embarrassing...

Solomon:    This was a stupid idea.  Let's head back before the Pharaoh notices that we're gone

Levi:            Yeah.  Come on, guys.  I can measure everyone for their new 'jeans' before bed

Moses:         No!  Wait!  The sea is going to part and we can all walk across to the other side!

Solomon:      Yeah, sure.  Thanks a lot for wasting everyone's time, Moses

(Everyone leaves)

Moses:        Oh, for fuck sake!  God!  GOD!

God:            Huh?

Moses:        Where the hell were YOU?

God:            I was taking a nap

Moses:        A nap?  Who takes a nap in the middle of the night?

God:            I do!  So, what's up?

Moses:        You told me to be here at ten and you'd part the Red Sea so we could all escape

God:            Oh, right.  Hang on

(There's a loud rumble.  The Red Sea parts)

God:           There ya go!

Moses:       Well it's a bit late now!  Everyone's gone home!  And I look like a right tool!  Thanks for nothing!

God:          Hey!  Don't be so ungrateful!

Moses:       Ungrateful?  UNGRATEFUL?  Do you have any idea how much work it took to convince everyone to follow me here at this hour?  All because YOU told me to!  I'm a laughing stock!

God:          Look, do you want to cross the Red Sea or don't you?

Moses:      What's the bloody point?  There's no-one here!

God:          Right, then.  Be like that

(There's a loud rumble.  The sea starts to close in)

Moses:      Wait!  Hang on!  Let me get out of the way!

(The sea crashes over Moses and he's swept up on a wave)

Moses:      Wait!  I can't swim!  God!  GOD!

God:          WHAT?

Moses:       I'm drowning!


God:          Oh, for Christ's sake!  Here's a bit of wood.  I'm going back to bed

Moses:       (grabbing onto the wood)  No!  Wait!  WAIT!  I'm being swept out to sea!  God!  GOD!  GOOOODDDDDD!

God:        Zzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzz........


 






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