The Conversion Of Saul


 (The Scene:  A mile outside the town of Damascus.  A road sign reads 'Damascus - 3,576.32 cubits.  Or 0.268224 parasang. Or one mile. Anyway, it's that way.'  Saul, a middle-aged man from the city of Tarsus, is walking along appreciating the local flora and fauna and wondering if he should squeeze that pimple he found on his arse that morning when he got home or if he should just leave it alone.



  He is whistling a merry tune and appears not to have a care in the world.  Suddenly, a very bright light shines on him and, blinded, he falls to the ground.  Then a voice, seemingly out of nowhere, booms at him)


Voice        Saul!  Saul!  SAUL!

Saul           (blinking and covering his ears) Jesus Christ!

Voice          Exactly

Saul            What?

Voice           Yeah

Saul            Who IS this?

Voice            It's me

Saul              Me who?

Voice            Jesus

Saul               Ah, fuck off.  I know it's one of the lads taking the piss

Voice            No, seriously, it's Jesus

Saul              I know it's you, Matthew.  I recognize your voice, you little prick

Voice            I agree that Matthew is a little prick, but it really is me, Jesus

Saul              Sure.  Ok.  Well, what do you want "Jesus"?

Voice            I want you to change your name to Paul

Saul              What?

Voice            Change your name to Paul

Saul              Why?

Voice            I dunno, I like the name Paul.  It sounds nicer than Saul

Saul              But it sounds exactly the same as Saul

Voice            No it doesn't

Saul              Yes it does.  You just changed the first letter

Voice            I really don't know what you're talking about.  Now listen, I want you to call
                     yourself Paul of Tarsus from now on

Saul             I'm already Saul of Tarsus

Voice            I know.  And I want you to change it to Paul of Tarsus
Saul              No

Voice            Whaddya mean "no"?

Saul              I like my name and I'm not changing it.  And anyway I don't like the name Paul

Voice            Look, I am the lord your God and  I  COMMAND you to change your name to Paul

Saul              I couldn't give a fiddler's fuck who you are, I'm not changing my name

Voice            Right.  Look, I don't want to have to smite you or anything so can you just change
                     your name and we can all get on with our day

Saul             Wait, did you just say "smite"?

Voice            Yes

Saul               What the fuck is that?

Voice            You know, to smite someone.  To strike them with a heavy blow

Saul              Are you threatening me?  Come out here and say that to my face.  I'll beat the
                     living shit out of you!



Voice            No....look.....wait!  I just said that to relay the serious nature of my request.
                     I mean, I'm GOD, for fuck sake!

Saul              If you're God how come you have nothing better to do than hang around in the
                     middle of the road, stopping people and telling them to change their name?

Voice            Well....I....

Saul               Don't you have more important things to do?

Voice             Well, yeah, but...

Saul               Aren't your apostles being persecuted over in Damascus as we speak?

Voice             Em....well....see, the thing is...

Saul               You should be ashamed of yourself!

Voice             Hey!  There's no need to get personal!

Saul               You just told me you'd smite me if I didn't change my fucking name!

Voice             Yeah I know I did.  But I didn't mean it!

Saul               Why don't you get a job and stop fucking around?

Voice              I HAVE a job!

Saul                Oh yeah?  What is it?

Voice              Em....well....I'm the son of God

Saul                I'm the son of Eric the sheep herder but I don't go around pretending it's my job



Voice               Look, we're getting a bit off track.  Can you do me a solid and just change your
                        name to Paul?  I have to go raise Lazarus from the dead because his wife can't
                        find the good spoons that he's always putting away and she has people coming
                        over for dinner

Saul                I told you already I'm not changing my name to fucking Paul

Voice               How about a compromise?  Would you be willing to change your name to Jerry?

Saul                No

Voice               How about Larry?

Saul                Are you high?

Voice              Simon?

Saul                I have an uncle called Simon

Voice              Great!  So you'll change your name to Simon?

Saul                No way.  He's a git

Voice              Look.  I don't have all day here and I'm running out of patience.  Can you just
                       change your name to SOMETHING so I can go get Lazarus before he starts
                       to smell?


Saul                OK.  I can tell this really means a lot to you, so I'll tell you what.  I'll change
                       my name to Saul.  How about that?

Voice              Saul?

Saul                Yeah

Voice               Saul.  It has a nice ring to it.  Saul of Tarsus

Saul                Yeah.  Saul of Tarsus.  Whaddya say?

Voice              Sure!  I like it!  Thanks!  See?  That wasn't so bad, was it?


Saul                No.  I can see now that I was making a big deal out of nothing.  I mean,
                       what's in a name, right?

Voice              Exactly

Saul                Well, I have to be off now.  See ya

Voice               Bye, Saul.  Gee, what a nice guy.  Hey.....wait a minute!
                        Ooh, that little fucker!



               

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