THE TEN COMMANDMENTS

 

The desert at the foot of Mount Sinai.  A balmy evening in late August.  Moses is tending sheep.

God        Hey, Moses!

Moses    (to a sheep)  Who said that?  Was  that you?

Ewe        Baa

(I want to apologize for this terrible joke and I can assure you that whoever is responsible for it will be fired immediately if not sooner.)

God        It's me, God.  C'mere, I want to show you something

Moses    God?  Where are you?

God        I'm up here on top of the mountain

Moses    Can you come down here and show me?

God        No

Moses    Why not?

God        Coz I don't want to

Moses    You want me to climb all the way up there?

God        Yes.  And hurry up, I don't have all day

Moses    But, see, the thing is I'm wearing a new pair of sandals and I'm breaking them in

God        I don't care.  Now just get up here

Moses    Ok, ok!  I'm coming!  

God        TODAY!

Moses    (climbing and panting) I don't see why I have to  climb this bloody mountain when he

               could get off his fat ass and at least meet me half way

God        I heard that

Moses    (reaching the top and gasping for breath) Can I sit down for a minute?  I'm knackered

                and these bloody sandals are killing me

God        No.  Now, listen.  I have ten commandments here that I want you to take down and give to my people

Moses    Right.  Em...what are commandments?

God        They're kinda like rules.  A list of do's and don'ts

Moses    Oh, ok.  Where are they?

God        I wrote them on these two stone tablets

Moses    Wait....What?  You want me to carry THEM down the mountain?  Are you high? 

               They must weigh a ton!  Couldn't you write them on paper?

God        Paper hasn't been invented yet

Moses    (sighing) All right then.  But if I break a leg on the way down it's your fault

God        Oh, quit being such a big baby

Moses    Hang on a sec.  What is that?  Cursive?  I can't read that!

God        Ok, sit down and I'll read them to you

Moses    (sitting on a rock)  Ok, go ahead

God        First, I am the Lord thy God thou shalt not have strange gods before me

Moses    Fair enough

God        Second, thou shalt not take the name of the Lord in vain

Moses    Good one

God        Third, remember that thou keep holy the Sabbath day

Moses     Of course

God        Fourth, honour thy father and mother

Moses     Absolutely

God        Fifth, thou shalt not kill

Moses    Can you kill someone with kindness?

(silence)

God        Are you done?  

Moses    I was just asking...

God        Sixth, thou shalt not commit adultery

Moses    What does that mean?

God        Don't run off with some young one who's married to someone else

Moses    As if.  The wife would kill me

God        Seventh, thou shalt not steal

Moses    Could you steal a glance at someone?

God        You know, you're really starting to get on my nerves

Moses    Sorry

God        Eighth, thou shalt not bear false witness against thy neighbour

Moses     Good call 

God        Ninth, thou shalt not cover thy neighbour's wife

Moses    What if she's a nudist?

God        No, wait.  That's a typo.  It should be covet

Moses    Covet?  What's that?

God        To make eyes at her.  You know, to give her the come hither

Moses    I would never do that!  Have you seen my neighbour's wife?  She's two hundred

               pounds and has cross eyes.  One eye is looking at you and the other is looking

               FOR you

God        Tenth, thou shalt not covet thy neighbour's goods

Moses    Could you put one in there that you shouldn't play loud music in your tent late

                at night when people are trying to get some sleep?

God        No.  Now, take these two tablets and call me in the morning

Moses    Right.  Ok, then.  Well, I'll see ya later

(Moses lifts up the two stone tablets)

Moses    (straining)  Oh, Jesus, my back!  It'll be a miracle if I make it to the bottom without

                giving myself a hernia.  I'd better take it easy

(he takes a few hesitant steps)

Moses    That bloody sandal strap feels loose like it's going to......aaaaaaaaaaggggggggghhhhhhh!

(Moses trips over his sandal strap and hurtles headlong down the mountain.  The stone tablets go flying and break into pieces on the rocks)

Moses    Ow!  Ow!  Ow!  I think my leg is broken!  No, wait.  I'm ok.  I can stand.  Jesus, that hurts.

               (looking around)  Now, where are those.......(he sees the broken tablets) NO!  NO!  NO!

                The tablets!  They're broken!  What am I going to do?  Oh, I know!  I'll glue them back

                together!  No!  Wait!  Glue hasn't been invented yet!  Shit!  I'll just go back up and

                tell God what happened.  He'll understand.  Isn't he all loving and caring?  Yeah, everything

                will be fine

(Moses climbs back up to the top of the mountain)

Moses    (looking around)  Hey, God!

God        What, you're back already?  That was fast.  Good job.  What did my people have to say?

Moses    Well, see, the thing is.  Em....I kinda...sorta...

God        What the hell are you trying to say?

Moses    I broke your commandments...

God        Which ones?

Moses    All of them

God        You've only been gone ten minutes and you managed to take my name in vain, kill

                someone, cheat on your wife and make eyes at your neighbour?  What are you, some

                kind of psychopath?  

Moses    No, no, no!  I dropped the tablets and they broke.  It's these bloody sandals!

God        YOU BROKE THEM?

Moses    It was an accident!  But I was thinking seeing as how you're God and all you could

               just knock out another two tablets

God        How about I knock YOU out, ya bloody doorknob!  Ok, sit there and be quiet

(God takes two large rocks -  sound of hammering and chipping)

God        (handing Moses two more tablets)  Here, take these and for my sake BE

                MORE CAREFUL!

Moses    Don't worry.  I'll handle these like a pair of newborn babies...like a couple of

                delicate bubbles floating on a gentle breeze...like two...

God        Yeah, yeah, right.  Well, you better or I'll turn you into a toad and make your

                willy drop off

Moses       And that would hurt, right?

God            A LOT

Moses        Right.  Well, cheerio then

(Moses starts off down the mountain)

Moses        All right now, Moses, steady as she goes.  No need to rush.  Haste makes waste.

                   One step at a time.  It's one small step for man but a giant leap for...oh no...that

                   bloody strap is loose again.  Maybe if I curl my toes and...aaaaagggghhhhhhhh!

(Moses trips over his sandal strap and goes bouncing down the mountain.  The tablets fly out of

his hands and smash into pieces on the rocks)

Moses        (sitting up and rubbing his head)  Jesus H. Christ, I think I have a concussion.

                    How many fingers am I holding up?  (rubbing his head) I'm going to have a lump

                    the size of next Tuesday.  I'll probably never play the banjo again.  And my back!

                    I'll have to see a chiropractor after I get rid of these.....(he looks around and sees

                    the smashed tablets).  No!  No!  No!  Fuck!  Fuck!  Fuck!  FUCK!  What am I

                    gonna do?  I'm finished!  God is going to turn me into a toad and make my willy

                    drop off!  And I didn't even know toads had willys!

(he sees a mountain sheep)

Moses      What are YOU looking at?

Ewe          Baaa

(Again, I sincerely apologize for this ridiculous excuse for a joke.  I feel quite sheepish.) 

Moses         Think, Moses, THINK!  Wait!  I could buy a wig and move to Argentina.  No,

                    that's no good.  I know!  I'll change my name to Eddie and go in the witness

                    protection program!  No, no, no!  FUUUUUUCCCCCKKKKKKK!

                    Calm down, Mo!  Breathe!  Relax!  Wait!  I have it!  I'll just go down to the

                    people and TELL them the commandments!  I don't NEED the stupid tablets!

                    I can remember them!  Ha, ha, ha!  Momo, you're a genius!

(Moses limps carefully down to the bottom of the mountain)

Moses        Hey guys, listen up!  I have an important message from God!  

(a large crowd gathers round)

Moses        So, I was just talking to God and he wants me to give you ten commandments

Jeremiah    What are commandments?

Moses         They're kinda like rules.  A list of do's and don'ts.  

Eli               Wait.  Where is he?  I've always wanted to meet him

Moses          He's on top of the mountain

Eli                Why doesn't he come down here?

Moses           He doesn't want to

Eli                 (winking at the others)  Oh, right.  Cuz he only talks to you

Jeremiah      What are the commandments?

Moses          Right.  OK.  Let's see now.  First, I'm God so I'm the boss

Eli                Who died and put YOU in charge?

Moses           No, no!  That's what God said!  About himself.  That he's the boss and all

Eli                Oh, yeah, I forgot.  You're his "official spokesman"

Jeremiah      What else did he say?

Moses           Emmm....Don't go around saying goddamit

Jeremiah        Can you say fuck it?

Moses           I guess so

Eli                Right, well fuck it then, I'm off

Moses           No, wait, there's more!  Be holy on Sunday

Jeremiah       What, you mean wear clothes with holes in them?

Eli                 I don't have any holes in my clothes

Jeremiah        I do.  I have a moth problem

Mitch             Use moth balls

Jeremiah       Moths have balls?

Eli                Yeah, and a tiny willy

Moses           Guys, can we focus here?  Next....em....be nice to your mother and father

Mitch            My mother and father are dead

Moses          Well, I guess that doesn't apply to you

Jeremiah       What else, Moses?

Moses          Don't kill anyone

Jeremiah       Can you kill someone with kindness?

Moses         You know, I asked him that myself

Jeremiah      What did he say?

Moses           He just looked at me

Eli                 Is that it?

Moses           No.  Don't do adultery

Jeremiah       What's that?

Moses           Don't run off with someone else's wife

Mitch              Ha, ha, ha!  We'd all be dead!

Jeremiah       Yeah, I think we're all in agreement on that

Moses            Em....what else....oh yeah...don't steal

Jeremiah        Is it ok to borrow something?

Moses            Well, yeah, as long as you give it back

Jeremiah        Only Seth borrowed my ass and never gave it back 

Seth                I did SO give it back, ya big liar!

Jeremiah        You did NOT!  And now I have no ass

Eli                 No ass?  How do you sit down?  

Seth               Very carefully.  Ha, ha, ha, ha, ha...

Eli                 (giving Seth a high five)  Good one!

Jeremiah       You guys think you're so funny!  Why don't you come over here and say

                     that to my face.  I'll kick your ass

Eli                Well at least he HAS an ass!  Ha, ha, ha, ha, ha...

Seth             Ha, ha, ha, ha, ha...

Moses         Can you guys sort this out among yourselves?  I'm almost finished...

                    Em...oh yeah, don't cover your neighbour's wife EVEN if she's a nudist!

Seth            What, you mean just let her run around in the nude?  What if there's children

                    watching?

Moses         I dunno.  Cover their eyes maybe?  

Seth            God sounds like a bit of a perv

Moses         And the last one.  Em...Don't play loud music in your tent late at night when

                    people are trying to sleep

Jeremiah    That's only nine

Moses        What?

Jeremiah    You said there were ten commandments.  That's only nine.  What's the tenth one?

Moses        I'm pretty sure that was ten...

Eli             No, I've been counting.  That was nine

Moses        It was?

Eli              Yeah.  So what's the last one?

Moses         (thinking hard)  The last one....hmmm.....lemme see now....em.....it was...

                    it was...oh yeah!  Don't go changing to try and please me.  I love you just

                    the way you are

Jeremiah      Huh?

Eli                Hey!  That's a Billy Joel song!

Jeremiah       Who's Billy Joel?

Eli                Dude, you are SO full of shit!  I'm outta here.  Come on guys, Job bought

                    a golden calf on Amazon.  Let's go worship it!

(everyone runs off)

Moses           Guys!  Wait!  Come back!  Oh, for fuck sake!  Fine!  Go ahead and act like

                     a bunch of heathens!  See if I care!

(the Angel of the Lord appears)

Angel           Hey, Moses, God wants to see you and I don't know what you did but he's 

                    REALLY mad 

Moses          (taking off his sandals and handing them to the angel)  Here, hold these

Angel            Why?

Moses            Cuz I can run a lot faster without them.  Byeeeeeeeeeee!