FOOTLOOSE   

  
My friend (I call her Noreen because that's her name) gave me a tube of exotic foot cream guaranteed to make my feet as smooth as a baby's bum - but not as smelly.  So that night as I was getting ready for bed, I got the cream and covered my feet in this luxurious, soothing lotion.  Notes of gardenia, lilac and amaryllis (I always thought that was a laxative) tickled my nose (which is almost as long as my foot, but that's another story).  My feet felt silky and smooth.  How smooth, you ask?  As smooth as a really silky thing that's just been polished.  I slid into bed and cuddled up beside the cat who was snoozing at the end of the bed. 

Well, I swear to Jesus and his first cousin on his mother's side, Carmel, I was just dozing off when the cat decided it was the start of his day and wanted out.  He jumped off the bed and headed for the door.  And, of course, when he got there and discovered it was closed, he started scratching the bejesus out of it until I was sure there would only be strips of wood hanging onto the wall in the morning if I didn't get up and let him out.   

I jumped out of bed in a fit, calling him every dirty word I could think of.  I cursed so much that Satan himself would have said "Ah, come on, there's no need for that kind of language".  Completely forgetting how silky smooth my feet were, I stepped onto the floor and took off like I was on the Canadian Olympic skating team and was determined for the gold.  The light was off so it was pitch black and I had no idea where I was heading. 

My legs went off in different directions and I frantically grasped about for something to hold onto.  Unfortunately, the only thing I came into contact with was the fucking cat, who jumped in terror and nearly ripped my head off.  I tried to stand up, but my feet were so silky that I kept sliding across the floor.  I held onto the cat for dear life, even though he was mauling me to pieces.  I pictured myself in the hospital getting 300 stitches to my torso and all the while the surgical staff commenting on how smooth my feet were.





I eventually slid across the floor and found the mat and was able to stand up and turn on the light.  The floor was covered in cat hair and skid marks.  I opened the door and threw the cat out muttering "I'll make a pair of mittens out of you, you little fucker!".  I then had to skate back to bed using the mat for traction - terrified that I would stand on the floor and go flying out the window.



The next morning I noticed that my feet looked 20 years younger and I looked like the Bride of Frankenstein. 







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