THE  URBAN  BIBLE
(what it might look like today)

 


LUKE 12:27-40

Luke            Consider the lilies in the field

Man #1        They're not lilies.  They're daisies

Luke            No, they're not.  They're lilies

Man #2       Actually, he's right.  Lilies are not native to here

Luke            Look, it doesn't matter.  I'm trying to make a point here

Man #1        But it's not much of a point if you're going to mention flowers
                   that no-one knows

Luke            Everyone knows what a lily is

Man #3       I don't

Luke            You just said that you did

Man #3       That was him

Man #2       Oh.  You guys look very alike

Man #1        We get that a lot

Man #2       Are you brothers?

Man #3       No.  We went to school together

Man #2       My mother's sister's name is Lily

Luke            OK, I think we're getting a bit off track here

Man #1        Well, you started it by mixing up flowers

Luke            I wasn't mixing up flowers.  I know the difference between a
                   lily and a daisy

Man #2       Then why did you say consider the lilies?

Man #3       Maybe he's not from around here

Man #1        Well, that would explain it.  But you'd think he'd know what
                   kind of flowers he was talking about before he asked us to
                   consider them

Luke            Excuse me......

Man #3       Maybe there are lots of lilies where he comes from and he
                   was looking at them when he wrote his sermon

Man #2       Yeah.  And then he came here, saw that he was standing in the
                   middle of a field of daisies and figured no-one would know the
                   difference

Man #1        Well I do

Man #2       So do I

Man #3       I thought they were daffodils

Man #1        What?  Are you serious?  They don't look anything like daffodils!

Luke            Guys......

Man #3       I don't get out much

Man #1        But daffodils don't grow this time of year

Man #2       They do if you have a greenhouse

Man #3       Ah, then I can never grow them.  My house is yellow

Man #1        A greenhouse is a hot house where you can grow stuff that
                   you can’t grow outside

Man #3       Then why is it called a green house?  Why not call it a house where you can grow stuff that you can’t…

Luke            Hello? Can you clowns have this conversation another time?  I'm trying
                   to give a sermon

Man #1        Sorry.  Go ahead


Luke            Right. Consider the lilies in the field....

Man #2       I thought we weren't going with lilies

Man #3       Could you make it roses?  I like roses

Luke            It doesn't matter what kind they are.  The lilies are
                   a metaphor

Man #1        I thought they were flowers

Luke            Now you're being deliberately obtuse

Man #1        Hey!  That's offensive!

Man #2       What's obtuse?

Man #1        It means fat

Man #3        That's obese

Man #2       I thought it was obscene

Man #3       That means dirty

Man #1        Hey!  Who are you calling fat and dirty?

Luke            Oh, for the love of Christ!  I'm not calling anyone fat or
                   dirty.  I'm trying to talk about the fucking LILIES!

Man #1        Hey, when are you going to turn the water into wine?

Luke            What?

Man #1        I heard you could turn water into wine.  I brought 14 bottles
                   of water.  I'm having a party on Friday night

Luke            I can't turn water into wine

Man #3       Why not?

Luke            Because I can't, ok?

Man #2       Well, can you raise the dead?  My uncle died yesterday and he
                   owes me $20

Luke            I can't do that either

Man #1        Well, I only came here today because I heard there was a guy
                   who could turn water into wine and raise the dead

Luke            Jesus Christ!

Man #2       Yeah, him.  Is that you?

Luke            No.  I'm Luke.  I'm an apostle

Man #3       Well, where's this Jesus guy?

Luke            He's over there on the mount talking about the meek

Man #1        The geek?  There they are again calling people names

Man #2       I'm going for a beer.  Who's coming with me?

Man #3       I am

Man #1        Me too

Luke            Wait! Consider the lilies how they grow.  They toil not, they
                   spin not......

Man #2       Well, of course they don't.  They're LILIES!

Luke            No!  Wait!  They toil not because......oh, you know what?
                   Forget it.  Just fucking forget it!

Man #1        Do you want to come for a beer with us?

Luke            Sure.  Why not.  I'm obviously wasting my fucking time here

Man#2        Watch out that you don't step on the daisies

Man #3       I thought we agreed they were daffodils


Man #1        Now that I get a good look at them I think they're buttercups




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