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BACK INACTION

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  I went to the doctor with a back pain.  Wait, that sounds like the doctor had a bad back. Hang on...I had a pain in my back so I went to the doctor.  That's better.  Carry on. Having waited the customary 6 hours in the waiting room (well it IS called the waiting room), I was led into the smaller waiting room, where I spent another 3 hours reading old copies of Good Housekeeping and fiddling with the little instruments in the glass jars. I had just nodded off and was dreaming that a large trout in a tutu danced into the room, slapped me upside the head with an old sock and called me Dolores, when the doctor sailed majestically into the room, looking immaculate in a starched white uniform, and asked what ailed me.  I would have thought the fact that I was bent over like Quasimodo would have given her a clue, but I decided to humour her. After explaining that my back was stiff and sore, and ramming the message home by making all kinds of painful sounds, the docto...
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Walking on Thin Ice

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  It was a bright, crisp morning in January.  I opened my eyes to a winter wonderland.  The sound of sleigh bells echoed in the air, and laughing people skied past my window drinking hot chocolate and pelting each other with marshmallows.  But this illusion was faint and transitory.  (I read that sentence in a book and have been dying to use it somewhere.)  It WAS snowing, though, and that meant one thing for certain - it would freeze overnight and tomorrow I'd have to deal with ICE!  (Insert dramatic music here.) I realized I was now faced with the prospect of once again demonstrating my complete inability to cross the street without having an end-of-life- experience whilst simultaneously screaming at innocent passersby to either help me or get out of the way.  Arming myself against the vicious eastern winds proved not to be a problem, as I merely wore so many layers of clothing that I looked like I was about to be launched into deep space. ...
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MY FIRST (AND LAST) NATIVITY PLAY

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  I was beside myself with excitement.  Sister Margaret Mary, my convent high school headmistress (the personification of pure evil - picture the nun from the movie of the same name), had just announced that the school would be presenting a nativity play for Christmas.  I had always dreamed of being an actor and figured this was my big opportunity to have the entire school witness my outstanding dramatic talents.  And I assumed that Sister Margaret Mary, having heard my many and various excuses for being late, realized that I was the obvious choice for a leading role. I was sure that I was a shoo-in for the virgin Mary as I was a virgin myself and I knew a guy named Joseph, so you can imagine my absolute shock when the cast list was posted and I was to play 'Shepherd #2', with one measly line - 'Here is the babe."  Here is the babe?  What kind of completely pointless remark was that?  Any idiot could see that the babe was right there in the straw....
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THE RIGHT STUFF

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I was walking down the street - which I highly recommend if you intend getting from one place to another - when I noticed a sign outside a store which read "Discount For Seniors And The Military."  I was immediately struck by lightning.  No, wait, that was a dream I had.  I was immediately struck by how progressive the Canadian Army was. They not only welcomed little gay people into their ranks, they were now accepting seniors!  What an innovative idea!  I realized this was a revolutionary approach to ending all conflicts.   You form an elite unit of senior citizens - they really should have their own distinct regiment - maybe the Pension Platoon or the Senior Squad - and place them on the front lines of battle.  As older people usually get up early, an attack at dawn is a piece of cake.  Then, when the order to charge is given, they stroll across no man's land pushing their walkers, stop halfway for a quick nap before knitting a scarf for th...
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A VISIT TO THE DOCTOR

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 I was up bright and early this morning as I had an appointment with the doctor to establish the cause of certain pain in my lower back (read bum).  After much poking and prodding, the doctor said "Can you PLEASE stop playing with my medical equipment and lie down on the bed?"  In my own defence, I argued that I had once entertained dreams of becoming a medical practitioner and so had a professional right to examine the various devices which were lying about.  The doctor, a stern-looking woman who would not have been out of place in a high security prison ward, was not amused.  She proceeded to examine me by pulling and pushing my body into various positions which I was sure left me qualified to apply to a circus as a contortionist.   Finally, she informed me that I have sciatica, pain affecting the back, hip, and outer side of the leg, caused by compression of a spinal nerve root in the lower back, often owing to degeneration of an intervertebral disk...
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A HAIR-RAISING EXPERIENCE

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My hairstylist, or as I like to call her, 'Escaped mental patient #28 - If spotted do not engage but contact the police immediately', recently gave me a haircut that I can only assume is known in hairdressing circles as 'the bucket head'.  This hairstyle, I am convinced, was popular in the ranks of Oliver Cromwell's army and gave them their now infamous moniker of 'roundheads'.  In fact, I'm prepared to bet that if Cromwell was alive today he'd be extremely old. But back to me.  A small child once commented to me "I like you because your hair looks like a mushroom".  I think that just about says it all.  My daughter always asks me (through the bathroom door as I'm in there, post haircut, crying into the toilet and wondering if I might get away with wrapping the shower curtain around my head and pretending to be a Muslim) "Why do you keep going back to the same hair stylist?"  And I reply that I don't know.  That it's p...
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10 ORIGINAL TITLES FOR CLASSIC BOOKS THAT NEVER TOOK OFF

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A wealthy man fails to win the love of his life because he never shuts up Three animal friends, Mole, Ratty and Badger,  try to help their friend Mr. Toad stop farting in bed A man tries to sell two kittens who are  shredding his furniture A mad scientist creates an artificial man from pieces of corpses but keeps complaining that it's not what he had in mind A young man, Monty, throws a disco party  and attempts to control the number of people  who show up Three rowdy friends show up at a bar after closing and demand drinks During Pride Month, a writer circumnavigates the globe with a large group of lesbians         A teenager gets grounded for having a messy room A man buys a bird who eats him out of house and home A young orphan boy wanders the streets of Dickensian London goosing people
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