AN ENCOUNTER WITH TWO RACCOONS

  The other night I opened the fridge and discovered it was emptier than a hermit's address book.  Realizing that going without a cup of tea might well result in my taking hostages, I glanced at the clock and, noticing that I had ten minutes before the store across the street closed, I made the momentous decision to make a mad dash for a carton of milk.

It was almost ten o'clock and I was in my pajamas but it was a nice night and, as I said, the store was only across the street and the window for getting my milk was closing, so I headed out in my jammies.  (They're nice jammies - they have cows on them.)

I made it to the shop, purchased my milk and headed home,  I was standing on the corner, waiting for the traffic lights to change, when suddenly two large raccoons emerged from the nearby bushes and one of them made a mad dash across the road, causing cars to screech to a halt or blast horns at other cars and almost cause a multi-car pile-up.

The other raccoon stood near me and, as his friend was dicing with death in the middle of a busy street, he looked up at me as if to say "Can you believe this idiot?"  We both looked on in amazement as the other raccoon suddenly stopped in the middle of the road, looked back at the one beside me and ran back across the road, causing more chaos.  


Then the lights changed and the three of us - me and the two raccoons - crossed the street.  It was quite something.  We crossed the street in silence.  I was tempted to say something but I wasn't sure how it would be received.  After all, it was none of my business,.  But I swear I heard the following conversation take place:

 

 

 

Frank     Jeremy! What the hell was that all about?

Jeremy     What?

Frank     You ran across the street and nearly got run over!

Jeremy     YOU told me we were crossing the street!

Frank     Yeah. When it was safe. When it was SAFE! Who the hell runs across the street without looking? 

                Well, obviously, you do, ya knob!

Jeremy     You said you were right behind me!

Frank        I WAS!  But I didn't think you were going to dash out across a busy street!  

               Don't you remember what we learned at school?  In kindergarten, for fuck sake!

Jeremy    Put your hand up if you need to go to the bathroom?

Frank        What?  No!  No!  Look left, look right, look left again!

Jeremy    What, before you go to the bathroom?

Frank       No!  Before you cross the street!

Jeremy    I think I was sick that day

Frank        You can't just run across the street without looking!

Jeremy    I thought you had pushed the button

Frank        How the hell could I push the button?  I can't reach!  I'm a raccoon!

Jeremy    You could have told me to push the button

Frank        You wouldn't be able to do it either!

Jeremy     Why not?

Frank        Cuz YOU'RE a raccoon, idiot!

Jeremy      Oh, yeah.  I forgot.  Sorry

Frank         Hey, did you see that woman?  She was in her pajamas, ha, ha

Jeremy       Yeah.   Wait.  What's pajamas?

Frank        It's what humans wear when they're going to bed

Jeremy      That sounds nice.  Hey, why don't we wear pajamas?

Frank         They don't make pajamas for us

Jeremy       Why not?

Frank          Cuz we're RACCOONS!

Jeremy        Well that's really not fair

Frank          Nevertheless...

Jeremy        I'd like some pajamas

Frank           Right...

Jeremy        How could I get me some pajamas?

Frank          Well, you'd need to go to a store.  And you'd need money

Jeremy        I don't have any money

Frank          I know

Jeremy        But say if I DID have money and I DID go to a store.  What would happen?

Frank          The person behind the counter would scream "Raccoon!" and chase you out of the store with a broom

Jeremy        I don't think I want to be a raccoon any more.  I mean, what's the point?     What do we even DO?

Frank        We go through the garbage

Jeremy        Ugh!  That sounds disgusting.  Wait!  What if we found some pajamas?

Frank          Sure.  We might also find some space suits and we could become astronauts

Jeremy        You think so?

Frank           No

Jeremy        How come?

Frank           CUZ WE'RE RACCOONS!

Unfortunately, the rest of this fascinating conversation will never be known as the raccoons turned a corner and disappeared out of sight.  But if you ever see one wearing pajamas don't be overly surprised. 



 


Comments

Post a Comment

Popular posts from this blog

THE RIGHT STUFF

Image
I was walking down the street - which I highly recommend if you intend getting from one place to another - when I noticed a sign outside a store which read "Discount For Seniors And The Military."  I was immediately struck by lightning.  No, wait, that was a dream I had.  I was immediately struck by how progressive the Canadian Army was. They not only welcomed little gay people into their ranks, they were now accepting seniors!  What an innovative idea!  I realized this was a revolutionary approach to ending all conflicts.   You form an elite unit of senior citizens - they really should have their own distinct regiment - maybe the Pension Platoon or the Senior Squad - and place them on the front lines of battle.  As older people usually get up early, an attack at dawn is a piece of cake.  Then, when the order to charge is given, they stroll across no man's land pushing their walkers, stop halfway for a quick nap before knitting a scarf for th...
Read more

A VISIT TO THE DOCTOR

Image
 I was up bright and early this morning as I had an appointment with the doctor to establish the cause of certain pain in my lower back (read bum).  After much poking and prodding, the doctor said "Can you PLEASE stop playing with my medical equipment and lie down on the bed?"  In my own defence, I argued that I had once entertained dreams of becoming a medical practitioner and so had a professional right to examine the various devices which were lying about.  The doctor, a stern-looking woman who would not have been out of place in a high security prison ward, was not amused.  She proceeded to examine me by pulling and pushing my body into various positions which I was sure left me qualified to apply to a circus as a contortionist.   Finally, she informed me that I have sciatica, pain affecting the back, hip, and outer side of the leg, caused by compression of a spinal nerve root in the lower back, often owing to degeneration of an intervertebral disk...
Read more

MY FIRST (AND LAST) NATIVITY PLAY

Image
  I was beside myself with excitement.  Sister Margaret Mary, my convent high school headmistress (the personification of pure evil - picture the nun from the movie of the same name), had just announced that the school would be presenting a nativity play for Christmas.  I had always dreamed of being an actor and figured this was my big opportunity to have the entire school witness my outstanding dramatic talents.  And I assumed that Sister Margaret Mary, having heard my many and various excuses for being late, realized that I was the obvious choice for a leading role. I was sure that I was a shoo-in for the virgin Mary as I was a virgin myself and I knew a guy named Joseph, so you can imagine my absolute shock when the cast list was posted and I was to play 'Shepherd #2', with one measly line - 'Here is the babe."  Here is the babe?  What kind of completely pointless remark was that?  Any idiot could see that the babe was right there in the straw....
Read more