It's Always Darkest Before You Turn On The Light

A wealthy man fails to win the love of his life because he never shuts up Three animal friends, Mole, Ratty and Badger,  try to help their friend Mr. Toad stop farting in bed A man tries to sell two kittens who are  shredding his furniture A mad scientist creates an artificial man from pieces of corpses but keeps complaining that it's not what he had in mind A young man, Monty, throws a disco party  and attempts to control the number of people  who show up Three rowdy friends show up at a bar after closing and demand drinks During Pride Month, a writer circumnavigates the globe with a large group of lesbians         A teenager gets grounded for having a messy room A man buys a bird who eats him out of house and home A young orphan boy wanders the streets of Dickensian London goosing people

  I was in a shop the other day and when I got to the cash desk to pay (as opposed to sticking the item under my shirt and legging it out the door), the cashier said “You get the seniors’ discount today.” I turned around assuming he was talking to some old bag who was standing behind me and was horrified, nay OUTRAGED, to discover that HE WAS TALKING TO ME!!!  The NERVE! I WAS THE OLD BAG!!!  In a pathetic attempt to save face, I said “No thanks.  I’m 35.”  Well, it took me about an hour to finally pay him because his co-workers had to lift him off the floor where he had fallen in a fit of uncontrollable laughter.     Now, in my Irish days I’d have been over that counter in a trice and beaten the living snot out of him and left him in a semi-conscious state, never again to utter those immortal words “You get the seniors’ discount today."  In fact, I’d have reduced him to such a pathetic state that the mere mention of a senior would have sent...

  The other night I opened the fridge and discovered it was emptier than a hermit's address book.  Realizing that going without a cup of tea might well result in my taking hostages, I glanced at the clock and, noticing that I had ten minutes before the store across the street closed, I made the momentous decision to make a mad dash for a carton of milk. It was almost ten o'clock and I was in my pajamas but it was a nice night and, as I said, the store was only across the street and the window for getting my milk was closing, so I headed out in my jammies.  (They're nice jammies - they have cows on them.) I made it to the shop, purchased my milk and headed home,  I was standing on the corner, waiting for the traffic lights to change, when suddenly two large raccoons emerged from the nearby bushes and one of them made a mad dash across the road, causing cars to screech to a halt or blast horns at other cars and almost cause a multi-car pile-up. The other raccoon stood...