It's Always Darkest Before You Turn On The Light

Everyone has an embarrassing fart story.  Here's mine. It was a dark, dreary, dismal November day.  Great billowing grey clouds hung ominously over the city like ... big ominous things.  I had an appointment with my dentist - a woman who, I am quite convinced, at one time worked for the Gestapo.  My visits usually followed the same routine - she would prise my mouth open with the jaws of life and proceed to prod and poke my teeth and gums with a vigour that would put her in the running for the Spanish Inquisition's Member Of The Month.   The minute I sat in the patient's chair I felt the familiar rumblings of a fart making its way through my intestines.  Cursing the bean burrito I had eaten earlier, I squeezed my bum cheeks together and felt the fart dissipate.  Happy that I had averted a near disaster, and hoping that the fart had figured it had taken a wrong turn and had wandered off to find an alternate escape route, I returned my focus to...

  Valentine's Day dates back as far as the Stone Age but nobody ever celebrated it because everyone was too stoned.  It showed up again during the Bronze Age but, again, everyone was too busy getting tanned to notice and florists all over the world almost went out of business.  In the Middle Ages, when everyone was in their forties, different parts of the world celebrated in different ways. At that time, February 14th wasn't known as Valentine's Day but as Porcupine's Day and a guy would give his true love a porcupine as a sign of his devotion to her.  She would then count the bristles going "He loves me, he loves me not", and if she ended on a "he loves me", she would wear the porcupine as a hat to show everyone else that, not only was she taken, but she had absolutely no fashion sense.  If, however, she ended on a "he loves me not", she would gather her entire family and force the guy to sit, naked, on the porcupine and sing "Wait ...